Wednesday, August 6, 2014

And some people wonder why we eat them...

First thing I do when I get out of bed in the morning is let the dogs out.  Then I swing by the coffee maker to turn it on before heading back to bed until it's brewed.  Then it's time to hit the floor, jump into some clothes, put my face on, and head out.  It usually goes uneventfully.

But not today.  This morning had to be different.

As I was getting ready, the dogs started barking.  And kept barking.  And kept barking some more.  I ignored them, thinking that asshole squirrel was sitting on top of the well house taunting them again, the little jerk.  About the time I started thinking I should go out there and intervene, they quit.

As I gathered up my keys and poured that last cup of coffee for the road, they started up again.  I headed out the door, ignoring the chorus of upset heeler and confused weenie dog, thinking how I was running early and would get the store opened and ready to go by the time Boss Man Scott got there, being all happy about that.

Until I see a cow go by with a tarp on her head.  Dragging twenty feet of it behind her.

My heart sank.

Those of you who grew up on a farm or live on one now know that feeling: the sudden stop, holding still for a beat as you shift gears, realizing that your plans for the foreseeable future were just rearranged for you while simultaneously beginning to devise a plan to fix it.

At least I now knew what the dogs were barking about.

I heaved a big sigh and walked to the truck, watching as the cow ran behind it towards the creek and around the corner out of sight, wondering how this one was going to play out.  Again, Country People, y'all know the drill - you just have to go for it, dive right in headfirst and see what happens, hoping a plan presents itself along the way.

I put the truck in reverse and backed it down the close quarters to the creek.  I'm not sure why I backed it down there instead of driving the right way.  I vaguely recall a fleeting thought of chasing her around in reverse like back in my demolition derby days, thinking she might get stuck on her own in the melee, and being in reverse I'd have an out if she got mad and came at me.  But I really didn't have a great idea of what I was doing.  Really.

As I came around the corner and headed down the hill, I saw her standing there on the other side of the creek facing my way, twenty feet of tarp laying in the creek between her and me.  I saw my chance, aimed for the tarp, and gunned it.  In the next four seconds I saw the mud, thought I might get stuck, thought of how it'd put everyone in a bind at work if I couldn't come in because I got the truck stuck, imperceptibly lifted my foot off the gas as I contemplated that versus cow-with-tarp-on-head-home-alone-all-day, saw her move as if to walk away, remembered I have a tractor to pull the truck out, said To HELL with it!, gunned it some more    ...   and   !!!

... landed on the tarp.  WOOT!  SHE WAS MIIIIIIINE!!

As I was looking in my purse for my pocket knife to cut her loose, I thought, "If I'm careful and lucky and avoid becoming a Linda-ka-bob, I might still get to work only a little late!  But Boss Man Scott will never believe this.  Who in the hell in their right mind would?! ... Pictures. ...  I need pictures.  Pictures would definitely make this an excused tardy."

As I got back in the truck to finally start my commute to work, I texted him the third picture on this page, with this message: "Running about ten minutes late. Dumbass cow got stuck in a tarp and I had to rescue her. And people wonder why we eat them..."

She didn't even say thank you.


  1. Those pics are hilarious. I've had some "country" issues that have kept me from getting to work on time, but this is one I haven't seen before :)

  2. Bwahaha! She's probably telling the other cows how she found this nice tarp and some woman came it stole it with her truck. :)

  3. Everyone needs a morning adventure like that. It is certainly good for a great tale afterwards especially when the camera was around to tell the story in pictures.

  4. Ha! So funny! You're right; they never say thank you :) I've rescued a fair amount of wildlife during my 25+ years living in the country and not one thank you. Definitely makes like more interesting though!


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